My departure from Kabul this time to meet my family in Toronto was a more difficult one. I felt the painful gravity pulling me back to Kabul much more than last trip. Filled with a sense of dread, I delayed my departure by several weeks and wanted to delay it more. The hardest part about leaving Kabul was leaving my soulmate, who I will miss profoundly this time.
I was consumed with mixed, bipolar feelings as my trip began. I felt stranded and lost, torn between the east and west, with worries looming over my head robbing me of my power to decide where I want to settle in my life. I’d better make a list comparing and contrasting the two. Although my preferences may seem selfish, it is something a reasonable mind would do. Really? Reasonable? I can’t remember myself being reasonable at any other time in my life. But my restless heart pounds terribly with every nuance of both financial and physical constraints. As the pounding of my heart quickens, my back slowly bends and the ribs in my chest compress creating a heaviness that makes it hard to breathe. Perhaps because of my health, I should consider living in the U.S. for a longer time, but what should I do with my heart?… a heart so tender and fragile from the sorrow and betrayal of a past relationship.
Being in Kabul will bring me a gradual death, reducing the shock of surprise from a sudden suicide attack or the shot of a single bullet from a talib, as happened to my late friend who left for Hazarajat a couple of months ago. My deteriorating health is a loud warning raising my consciousness with each ache and pain. Yet in Kabul, I enjoy the fruits of my twenty years of selfless, dedicated service. I enjoy the love and inspiration of contributing to the development of my people and the society I belong to. As insecure as Kabul is, it is my personal comfort zone. It fills me with peace and pleasure, and no matter how many attacks and explosions occur, I cannot reduce my crazy, strong attachment to the city where I earned the respect, support, fame and glory of my people.
As the chairman and founder of Star, I have impacted the lives of over 60,000 Star graduates giving me the reverence and deep respect of a whole generation. Additionally, my seven-figure income affords me an extravagant lifestyle. Most importantly is my gazelle-eyed beauty queen. I see my future children through the window of her soul. She is a woman so sweet to my heart, a partner to my soul, so dear and precious in friendship, and so faithful to her words. I am a collection of art, poetry, and songs nourished from the ocean of love that my princess provides me and, without her love, the wellspring of my emotions would dry up. Without her love, the maddening scent of my passion will wither away. I know myself. I am nothing without love. Without love I would return to the dismal days of being a crippled parasite dwelling in the dark pit of despair and suicidal thoughts.
How can I avoid going back to the Kabul? How can I secede from all the blessings of love, wealth and glory that Kabul holds for me? What is the allure of California’s tall, massive buildings; asphalt and concrete highways spiraling across the cities, bridging me from one lifeless place to another? Torn between the east and west…